The Erotic Adventures of the Three Musketeers (1992)

Studio: Private Screening Collection

DVD Release: December 9, 2010

Director: Paul Norman

Not Rated

Review by Travis North

This film comes from the early 90s, which must have been an odd time for adult cinema.  Theatrical distribution was dead, VHS reigned, and being shot on actual film was a rarity.  Things had not quite devolved the gonzo style of today, where you get an 8 hour Blu Ray of interchangeable bodies rutting like zoo animals.  So there were still attempts at having a story to loosely string together the scenes of coitus.  The closest there may be today are all of the adult horror spoofs being released.  Which allows me to segue to the director of this film, Paul Norman, being responsible for the Edward Penishands trilogy.  Unlike those, this strives for more.

I have never read the original Alexander Dumas novel.  Frankly I prefer my forged steel to be broadswords or katanas, not glorified pointers.

[caption id="attachment_8570" align="aligncenter" width="432"] Lame[/caption]

So I’ll have to take this movie’s claim of being “based on” the novel at face value.  What I could gather of the somewhat random plot is that the king is a mincing flamer so he doesn’t care much that the queen cuckolds him every chance she gets, a women constantly is trying to join the aforementioned Three Musketeers, and there is an emerald necklace that everyone desires including the church.

I’ll give the movie credit in that it starts off looking fairly competent.  While it was obviously shot on video, the picture isn’t overly bright or flat as I would have expected.  There are actual sets, an original soundtrack that sounds like a mix of cheap Charles Band and a King’s Quest PC game, outdoor shots, horse riding (non-sexual), and some obvious evidence of a budget and attempts at directing instead of just jamming the camera lens into genitals.  My hopes were actually raised at this point, but not my penis, which is the first sign of trouble.  It takes ten minutes for the first adult scene, and it is over in roughly a minute.  No penetration?  No money shot?  Apparently this is the version with all hardcore removed, making it safe for late night cable viewing for horny 14 year olds.  Obviously this makes the disc pretty pointless if they are going to hold back the best parts. Suddenly I became more annoyed at the poor editing, horrendous sound work, and lame slapstick.  There is a very distracting echo with some sound effects and some dialogue is completely muffled.

[caption id="attachment_8569" align="aligncenter" width="432"] Sample of "hard core" action[/caption]

So to make it through to the end without fast forwarding I had to look for ways to stay interested.  This does provide some decent acting by some of the cast.  I have to think they enjoyed not being around solely to get moist and stuffed.  There is also the time capsule factor.  Achy breaky mullets were still in fashion, female pubic hair is still on display neatly trimmed into faux hawks of fuzz, and the real-to-fake titty ratio is still on nature’s side.  Finally, what would an adult film be without some unintentional comedy?

[caption id="attachment_8568" align="aligncenter" width="432"] A down on his luck Bob Ross cameo for all of a second[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_8573" align="aligncenter" width="432"] Ron Jeremy gets fluids shot in his face for a change[/caption]

I have already covered some of the technical points of this disc.  Not much to praise, but how much effort should be put into an early 90's adult film that is probably not well remembered?  Including the hardcore version would have been nice.  A quick search revealed a Russian streaming site with the extra scenes, but visit at your own risk.  It’s still not going to make your pants tighten up too much though, so as an adult film this also falls short.

Both movie and disc [Rating: 2]