Suck (2009)

E1 Entertainment | Capri Films
Theatrical Release Date: September 11, 2009
Home Release Date: September 28, 2010
Director: Rob Stefaniuk
Rated R

Review by James Klein

After a struggling rock band's (I use "rock" loosly) manger leaves, the lone female of the band decides to not stay with her bandmates for the night but chooses to stay with a stranger she met at the concert. Well, this stranger turns out to be a rock n roll vampire! Soon, the musicians are transformed into a new cool rock band that can float while playing. They just have a problem with killing a few people along the way to their next gig.

Yeah, the film is as bad as it sounds. Why did I bother watching this turd? Well, there are numerous cameos by actually good musicians such as Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins and one of my personal favorites, Alice Cooper. Even Malcolm McDowell has a co-starring role as Eddie Van Helsing, a vampire hunter who has his own personal vendetta with the rock n roll vampires. None of these celebrities though is worth sitting through this 90 minute horror/comedy. This is just painful to watch.

The "comedy" is down right bad and cheesy. Nothing struck me as funny and I can almost hear the non existent laugh track pause when certain characters speak. The jokes are childish and even the punchlines aren't timed right.

The main vampire looks like a black haired Carrot Top and he occasionally busts into a few songs out of nowhere, when he's not walking in slow motion of course. The music mind you is that gothic rock stuff so if you hate that kind of music as much as I do, you'll be diving for the fast forward button. I guess they were trying to pad out the running time by having characters bust into song. I would have shut this off or fast forward the film but I felt I should warn you. One thing I hate is a bad horror film. But what I hate even more are horror/comedy/musicals. Adding those three genres together is like adding mustard to your steak with a glass of warm egg nog to wash it down.

Chalk it up to just another shitty vampire film. I need to watch Martin or Near Dark again to remember a time when vampire movies were decent.